Cabin Fever: 10 Funniest Quotes From The Eli Roth Film

The first major production from horror icon Eli Roth, 2002’s Cabin Fever is a bizarre mix of comedy, commentary, and extreme gore. Poking fun at established genre tropes while breaking boundaries and pushing limits, the movie is a hallmark of turn-of-the-century horror cinema.

While the film’s disgusting effects are the most affecting thing about it, audience members aren’t likely to forget the hilarious banter between the comically stereotypical characters. From the outrageous convenience store owner to the deputy obsessed with partying, these are the funniest scenes and quotes from Cabin Fever.

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Would You Be Careful With That Thing?

“I’m Gonna Go Shoot Some Squirrels.”

An archetypical drunken goofball, Bert doesn’t seem to take anything too seriously. After very obviously spying on Jeff and Marcy having sex, Bert wanders off into the woods with a rifle, and, when confronted by Paul and Karen, he says that he’s going to “shoot some squirrels.”

When asked why, Bert makes a bizarre comment about the sexuality of the squirrels he’s hunting, and Karen responds with an equally offensive remark. The scene in question certainly hasn’t aged all that well over the past two decades, but it highlights just how ridiculous the movie’s characters can be.

So Long, Jeff

“We’re All Going To Get Sick, And Jeff’s Off In The Woods Getting Drunk.”

After Paul discovers that Karen has contracted the flesh-eating disease, she’s quarantined in an old shed behind the cabin. Shortly after that, Jeff and Bert get into an argument, and Jeff storms off into the woods with a six-pack in hand.

Later, with Bert and Jeff gone, Marcy and Paul are left alone, and Marcy rants about the situation, remarking that Jeff is “off getting drunk in the woods.” Hilariously enough, Jeff’s methods of self-preservation prove to be successful, and he only meets his end when he returns to the cabin and is shot by the police.

Only Bert Can Prevent Forest Fires

“What Are You, F****** Smokey The Clown Now?”

Before going squirrel hunting, Bert lights a fire, and, when he returns, Jeff and Marcy are frantically putting it out. Jeff accosts Bert, commenting that his negligence could have destroyed the cabin, and Bert comes back with “what are you, f****** Smoky the Clown now?”

Bert isn’t the most intelligent member of the group, and this quote really highlights the fact that he probably doesn’t think before he opens his mouth. That said, he was distressed about his recent encounter with an infected vagrant, so perhaps his gaffe can be forgiven.

Party Cop

“I Bet You Like To Party With The Ladies.”

One of the most memorable side characters in horror movie history, Deputy Winston is perhaps the most inept officer ever to earn a badge. More interested in partying than protecting, he could have saved Paul had he remembered to bring a tow truck up to the cabin.

Beyond that, though he claims to have come to the cabin because of a disturbance the previous night, he quickly gives up that guise and asks about Paul’s partying habits. Assuming a manner similar to that of Shaggy from the Scooby-Doo cartoons, he tells Paul that he knows where all of the party spots are in town, remarking “I bet you like to party… with the ladies.”

Man On Fire

“That Guy Asked Us For Help. We Lit Him On Fire. You’ll Understand If I’m Not In A Particularly Social Mood.”

Paul seems to have come to the cabin intending to hook up with Karen, but these dreams are dashed when a diseased vagrant knocks on their door. After they turn him away, he breaks into Jeff’s truck, and the group tries to chase him off, setting him on fire in the process.

The next day, Karen lets her frustration about the situation be known in the bluntest way possible. It should be a pretty dour moment, but her blatant agitation with Paul adds some humor to the grim scenario.

Do Not Sit Next To Dennis

“Pancakes!”

At the beginning of the film, the group stops at a convenience store where they encounter a child sitting on a porch swing. Paul takes a seat next to him, extends his hand, and says “put her there, sport.” The kid responds by biting his hand, resulting in a confrontation between Paul and the shop owner.

Later on, an infected Bert returns to the store in search of help and finds the child sitting next to a sign that reads “Do NOT Sit Next To Dennis.” Dennis sees Bert, screams “pancakes,” launches off the porch, does a few karate moves, and then bites Bert’s hand.

This Is My Boomstick

“Goodnight, F******!”

Near the film’s end, Bert returns to the cabin after getting in an altercation at the convenience store, and a group of enraged, armed townsfolk are in hot pursuit. Upon seeking the viscera strewn about the place, they conclude that the campers must have been performing sacrifices of some sort.

They break into the cabin and are met with Bert holding a rifle. He gets off a goofy one-liner before they blow him to bits. This moment is emblematic of the movie as a whole, as it’s crass, gore-soaked, and weirdly hilarious.

Deputy Winston On The Case

“I’m Still Looking For That Underage Booze Party.”

Deputy Winston has to be one of the most incompetent cops of all time. Not only does he neglect to rescue Paul and his friends, but his love of partying seems to supersede even his most basic duties.

When a blood-soaked Paul stumbles across a party going on in the middle of the woods, Winston is seen giving alcohol to an underage girl. He eventually spots Paul, but he’s totally unphased by his condition. While the two are talking, Winston receives a call over the radio, and he responds that he hasn’t found the underage booze party he’s been looking for… while standing in the middle of said party.

What’s The Rifle For?

“There You Go, All Polished And Everything.”

Old Man Caldwell, a man encountered by the group in the convenience store, seems like an amiable sort, but things turn sour when he makes an incredibly racist remark when asked about a rifle hanging behind him.

Fortunately, this was revealed to be a misdirection; when members of the race he was previously heard disparaging walk in, Caldwell goes for the rifle, but he turns around and hands it to them, offering up this quote with a sincere smile. It’s the final scene of the movie, and it’s a hilarious and weirdly heartfelt way to conclude an otherwise brutal film.

Faced, Scratchmoded

“Yeah, He’s A Professor. Of Being A Dog.”

When a stranger, played by Eli Roth himself, wanders up to the campsite, Jeff initially turns him away. But, after he flashes a bag of weed, they welcome him with open arms. He introduces himself as Justin, and he brings a dog with him named Dr. Mambo. Marcy, hearing this, snarks “he’s a doctor, like a physician or a professor?” Justin then comes back with this ridiculously corny quote.

It’s nonsensical, but his over-the-top, all-too-sincere of the delivery is what sells it. It’s a pity that Justin doesn’t hang around for very long.

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