If there’s one thing the world unconditionally loves – it’s Jeff Goldblum. So when Jeff Goldblum made his iconic appearance as Hiram Berry in season 3 of Glee, there was yet another reason to watch this timeless man on screen. He’s become an internet sensation due to Jeff Goldblum being…Jeff Goldblum.
He’s charismatic, funny, dramatic – all the qualities that make it easy for someone to appear on the set of Glee. While Jeff Goldblum only appears in two episodes of Glee, he delivers some of the best lines from the show (aside Sue, of course). Here are some of the funniest quotes he uttered from his guest appearance.
10 “No Vocal Runs, That’s How Jennifer Hudson Got Kicked Off of American Idol”
Hiram Barry is first introduced when Hiram and LeRoy Berry, played by Brian Stokes Mitchell, show up at the auditorium at McKinley High School and surprise Rachel.
While there, Hiram and LeRoy sing “Chapel of Love” and LeRoy starts doing vocal runs. This is when Hiram gives singing advice to LeRoy where he mentions the “fact” of Jennifer Hudson getting kicked off of American Idol from how many vocal runs she did. A little harsh, but Hiram critiquing his husband with this fact made it pretty funny.
9 “Evidently Your Father Has Been Having Recurring Dreams About Hollywood Heartthrob Tony Danza”
While this quote alone isn’t funny, the entire exchange between LeRoy and Hiram in the auditorium was one to laugh at. At first, Rachel asks if her dads are angry at her for wanting to get married, but Hiram reassures her he isn’t, he’s only mad because LeRoy keeps having recurring dreams about Tony Danza, Hollywood heartthrob.
It led to this cute marital “spat” between the two men, one that was hilarious to watch.
8 “LeRoy, This Guy Sold Us The Wrong Lube, That’s Why The Rubber Is Squeaking”
In season 3 episode 15, the Hudson-Hummels and the Berrys all have dinner together. Here at this dinner, Hiram and Burt Hummel have a discussion that sounds borderline sexual.
Fortunately, the two men weren’t discussing that – they were talking about cars and how this one dealership is insufficient with their car lubing. Nice one, Glee.
7 “Never Go To Bed…Without Moisturizing”
The saying usually goes, “Never go to bed angry,” but Hiram strikes again with his truth when he says “Never go to bed…without moisturizing.”
He says this while giving Finn and Rachel marriage tips during dinner, but honestly, he’s not wrong! It’s important to moisturize, especially during the wintertime.
6 “We’re Going To Commence With Teenage Lovemaking”
Shortly following “Never go to bed…without moisturizing,” Hiram then proceeds to switch the conversation to dessert, where he promotes teenage lovemaking.
In this episode, the Berrys try to use reverse psychology to intimidate Rachel and Finn from sealing the wedding deal, and they do that by having the adults be totally okay with the two fornicating upstairs. Thankfully, Rachel and Finn don’t proceed with it, but the looks on their faces when Hiram said this quote was priceless.
5 “Honest, Respect, Dance – Those Are The Foundations Of The Berry Family.”
Everyone knows the typical three pillars – honesty, respect, and another interchangeable value inserted, such as trust or loyalty. So when Hiram says “honest, respect, dance,” it’s hard not to laugh at the values he puts forth for his family.
The Berrys have always been an arts-oriented family, so it comes as no surprise when dance is added as one of the values.
4 “We Do….With Feeling.”
This line gives Glee yet another Broadway reference, no surprise to that. It’s an alludes to the infamous Once More With Feeling 1958 Broadway play. It was also the title of Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s musical episode!
No matter what it’s referencing, it has flair and pomp and Jeff Goldblum makes the line that much better with his sing-songy vibrato.
3 “Carole, You Will Distract The Justice of the Peace With Your Feminine Wiles.”
Feminine wiles alone give this line as one of the funny quotes said by Hiram. This was said when the Berrys and the Hudson-Hummels were meeting up outside the courthouse to prevent Rachel and Finn from getting married since reverse psychology didn’t work.
Hiram comes up with a plan and a part of it involves Carole distracting the justice of the peace with her feminine wiles, whatever that means. If not the funniest, it’s one of the oddest things Hiram has ever said.
2 “Maybe Barbara”
Any Gleek knows that Rachel Berry has two idols in her life – Patti Lupone and Barbara Streisand. As the Hudson-Hummel-Berry adults contemplate what to do about Finn and Rachel outside the courthouse, Hiram makes a comment about how Patti Lupone herself couldn’t convince Rachel to stop the wedding.
What’s funny is that LeRoy says “Barbara could,” which led to Hiram to consider Barbara potentially convincing Rachel to stop the wedding. It’s a very specific comment only fans can understand, but it’s a good one.
1 “That’s Why I’m Gonna Fake It”
Last but not least, the last and funniest thing Hiram uttered was in the last minutes of the episode “On My Way.” Finn is pushing Rachel to go ahead with the wedding without Quinn being there (she forgot her bridesmaid dress). Burt mentions to Hiram if he’s going to stop it he should do it now.
Hiram’s epic plan evolves to faking an epileptic seizure! LeRoy counters him with “You are not an epileptic,” to which Hiram quipped with “That’s why I’m gonna fake it.” It’s not every day a father fakes an epileptic seizure to prevent their daughter from getting married.
