Steven Seagal’s movies are usually a mixture of Tarantino-level bone-crushing action, extreme violence and a healthy dose of humor tossed in for good measure. Though the martial arts star has long since faded, his early draft of work scored big with action movie fans who view him as one of the most iconic faces of the genre.
The actor has had plenty of opportunities to deliver some hilarious one-liners over the years, and this list is a gathering of the ten best that showcase why Seagal, for his many faults, still generates interest within the action movie community to this day.
10 “I Missed! I Never Miss!” (Hard To Kill)
Mason Storm finally gets the chance to wipe out the dirtbags responsible for destroying his family in this 1990 classic, and he doesn’t pull any punches. After sending several key players to the afterlife in brutal, grisly fashion – including jamming a pool cue through one man’s neck – he eventually finds the ringleader, Senator Vernon Trent.
Storm torments Trent for a long time before deciding whether or not to actually kill him, or take him in to face justice. At one point, Trent attacks Storm with a fireplace poker, only to get beaten down. Storm picks him and aims a double-barreled shotgun at his privates, pulling the trigger. It’s all done to scare Trent, rather than maim him, and Storm follows it up with this quote before kicking him square in the groin.
9 “One Thought He Was Invincible, The Other Thought He Could Fly. They Were Both Wrong.” (Marked For Death)
Marked For Death found Seagal playing John Hatcher, a retired DEA agent who comes home to find his neighborhood has been overrun by a Jamaican drug cartel. He soon clashes openly with the gang which leads to retaliation from their leader Screwface.
Hatcher confronts two cartel members in a hotel room and kills the first, before arresting the other. Realizing Screwface will inflict a horrible death on him if he talks, the gang member hurls himself out of the hotel window. Hatcher returns to his pal Max who asks him what happened, to which Hatcher replies with this quote.
8 “If I Find Out You’re Lying, I’ll Come Back And Kill You In Your Own Kitchen!” (Above The Law)
Leave it to Seagal to make a death threat sound badass and hilarious at the same time. This one comes courtesy of Above The Law, the actor’s very first film. After being attacked by a group of thugs in the middle of the street and beating them down, the last one runs off with Nico in chase.
He eventually catches up to him and interrogates him right there in the middle of the street after the perp begs for his life. Half-satisfied with the answers he gets, Nico responds with this quote before walking away. The threat is enough to make the perp ‘fess up even further.
7 “Anybody Seen Richie? Anybody Know Why Richie Did Bobby Lupo?” (Out For Justice)
Out For Justice features Seagal as Gino Felino, a cop with an intimate relationship with the criminal underworld, including the local Italian mafia. After psychotic mob enforcer Richie Madano slays his fellow detective and best friend, Gino goes on a one-man war to make him pay.
He visits a bar frequented by Richie and interrogates the local scum who congregate there, which inevitably leads to a brutal fight between Gino and several mob enforcers. All the while, Gino keeps yelling out this quote which sounds silly, especially given Seagal’s cringey Italian accent.
6 “Tell You What. I’ll Carry Everything. You Kill Whoever We Run Into, All Right?” (Under Siege)
When a group of terrorists seizes a nuclear-equipped battleship, it’s up to Seagal’s most popular character Casey Ryback to step out of his kitchen and set things right. The film kicks things off with Ryback making a young stripper named Jordan his sidekick as the two fight to stay alive.
When Jordan begins complaining about her plight, Ryback utters this quote to put things into better context for her. Doubtlessly she understood after seeing Ryback dispatch several terrorists in bloody fashion.
5 “Oh My God! Did You Hear What She Said?” (Out For Justice)
One of the funniest quotes in Seagal’s history seems to have come by total accident. While filming Out For Justice, Seagal’s character drives a car through a neighborhood to get information from one of his contacts. On the way out, he pulls up to a prostitute who crudely propositions him.
Seagal bursts out laughing before driving up to a man not a few feet away and uttering this quote. Though unconfirmed, it appears as if this was an unscripted, real-life mistake left in the film on purpose. Either way, it’s totally hilarious.
4 “Well, Let’s See, That’s Natives 8, Oil Workers 0. Anyone Else Wanna’ Play With Cupcake?” (On Deadly Ground)
The first act of On Deadly Ground features Seagal’s character Forrest Taft visiting a bar where a group of thuggish oil workers is picking on a Native American man. He immediately intervenes, but is warned by the ringleader Big Mike to stay out of it, even going so far as to call him “Cupcake.”
Taft wades into them without hesitating and beats the tar out of eight oil workers before uttering this quote. He then confronts Big Mike and challenges him to a hand-slap game which ends up changing the latter’s perspective on life, and how he fits into it.
3 “Nobody Beats Me In The Kitchen.” (Under Siege 2)
Under Siege 2 changed the setting from a battleship to a commuter train with ex-Navy SEAL turned cook Ryback trying to stop a group of terrorists from using a sophisticated satellite weapon to cause horrific destruction. He takes out all of the main antagonist Travis Dane’s men before confronting his main attack dog Marcus Penn, a skilled killer.
The fight begins in a train compartment before the two tumble into the downstairs kitchen. There, Ryback beats Penn to a bloody pulp before snapping his neck like a twig, then delivering this all-too-clever line.
2 “I’ll Have 300 Agents Come Up Here, Into This Little Hick Town, And Crawl Up Every Orifice You Got. When It’s Over, You Can Go To Your Favorite Proctologist And Get A Nice Soothing Ointment, And Rub It On The Hole That Hurts Most!” (Fire Down Below)
Seagal played environmental agent Jack Taggart in this 1997 film starring Kris Kristofferson as Orin, a wealthy industrialist who is dumping toxic waste in the coal mines of a local community. Not intent to let him get away with it, Taggart begins pushing against Orin’s men which paints a target directly on his back.
The corrupt local police attempt to convince Taggart to leave town under threat of violating the law, but Taggart stalemates the Chief with this quote that causes him and his men to back down. Descriptive, hilarious and oh-so-Seagal.
1 “I’d Like To Make Something Very Clear. I Don’t Have Rage. I’m A Happy Guy. You See This Face? This Is A Happy Face. You All Would Be Lucky To Be As Happy As I Am!” (Exit Wounds)
Steven Seagal took things in a more mainstream direction with 2001’s Exit Wounds where he played Orin Boyd, a frustrated cop who is ordered to take Nicholson-level anger management classes or risk being demoted. His first class doesn’t go so well when Orin is trapped within a children’s school desk and forced to tear it apart in irritation.
The female instructor in charge of the anger management class is less-than-impressed with his behavior, prompting a fed-up Boyd to confront her with this quote. It’s a hilariously funny quip made perfect by Seagal’s deadpan delivery and irony.
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